Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Where to buy rectangle school cafeteria pizza?

Jean jackets, New Kids on the Block, and Square Pizza.
People come in and out of our lives, as do foods. Some, like cafeteria food probably should remain as some distant memory, but often like myself and others, you'll reach the age of thirty-something and ask yourself "Whatever happened to that square / rectangle pizza from elementary school?" It might hit as a pregnancy craving, or simply a nostalgia yearning, but when it hits, you'll end up asking "Where can I buy it?"

The interesting thing is you can't. (Unless you can bribe the High School lunch lady.) School pizza is made low-fat, and in bulk, and when I was asked to locate some, you realize that humouring your inner child might be harder than you think. But ultimately I'm here to help, and my crack research staff did turn up some findings.

Now where to buy square chocolate milks?
The square pizza you remember from 1985, while trading Garbage Pail Kids, at the lunch-room table is called Commodity Pizza, and it's made by Tony's. (There are other imitators, but Tony's is the real deal.) What you'll need to do is contact a local food distributor in your area, and order a case of their 4x6 pizzas, and arrange to pick it up. The cost is about $50.

Tony's Commodity Pizza Item Numbers
  • 63495 Pepperoni
  • 78456 Sausage
  • 63572 Cheese

Greasy and Delicious.
Probably the simplest method is to order it online is from Schwan's, (we've also heard Gordon Food Service offers it too, but they only service a few states.) however I have been asked to provide a recipe for rectangle cafeteria pizza, in the rare case you can't convince yourself to pay $50 for a box of edible memories. Rather than suggest a dough, (flour, water, baking powder) my suggestion is to buy a Pillbury read-made pizza dough, add some sauce and buy some low fat cheese. (If you're adamant on making your own, just Google "no yeast pizza dough.") It's as close as you're going to get. Honestly. There are two key characteristics of square cafeteria pizza that are important; one, they use low-fat cheese, such as Cabot's brand 1% or 2%. Two, the dough is non-yeast risen. As far as the pepperoni, I've never found commercially available square pepperoni in that style, though it would be possible to buy a whole link of sausage and dice it, I find the style of pepperoni superfluous. Really, you're worth $50 anyhow... so let your younger you have a pizza party, and blow milk out your nose giggling from the fun.